onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How external is "for external use only"?
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
