Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
