I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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