You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
