The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
