good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
