My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
