my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
