Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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