I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
