I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
