On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
