he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
