so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
