Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
