I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
