Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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