I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
