Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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