I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
