just tell him i said nine months
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
