Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
