She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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