Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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