I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm sobbing to NWA
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
