this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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