Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
