he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
