Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
