My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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