Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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