i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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