when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
