dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize