she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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