my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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