Fine. I'll sleep in my office
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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