You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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