I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize