I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
