nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize