I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
