Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
