Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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