I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
