dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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