these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
