my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize