Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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