I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
