You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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