i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
