I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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