I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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