wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize