i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize