did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
