Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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