You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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