is your mom at the bar?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
