The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
