ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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