yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
